


Birthday Shenanigans Part IV: The Strippening (in which Lapis is a terrible roommate to Peridot, but they both end up alright)

by galactic_dorito



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Not Canon Compliant, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4833350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galactic_dorito/pseuds/galactic_dorito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis takes Peridot out for her birthday to a strip club. It goes exactly how one would expect.  AU in which gems are regular members of Earth society and no one questions this at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birthday Shenanigans Part IV: The Strippening (in which Lapis is a terrible roommate to Peridot, but they both end up alright)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Auddish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auddish/gifts).



> This is a completely serious fanfic for Auddish (flexingcheeto.tumblr.com) and lapislingerie.tumblr.com because they’ve dragged me down to shipping hell with them. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe. At all. In any way.

When Lapis Lazuli proposes that you are going to do something, it is usually a good idea to do it. Particularly when doing the opposite can result in finding sea creatures in your computer casing or having your fingers hidden in the fridge. Peridot learned this lesson the hard way, which is why she now found herself being tugged along the street behind the aforementioned gem, in one of the seedier parts of town.

Lapis turned her head around to look at her childhood friend and roommate with a grin that one might call predatory, “We’re almost there, Peri, try to keep up”.

Peridot knitted her eyebrows as she quickened her pace to keep her arm from being detached, “Don’t call me that! Lapis you know I hate it! And I have a lot of work to do and -“.

“And it’s your birthday, don’t be a wet noodle! You’re gonna love this. I promise.”

The blue gem stopped abruptly in front of a nondescript building with multiple neon signs, hands on her hips, smile wide. Peridot stumbled to keep from crashing into her, “What. Is this? Where are we? We’re going to get mugged. Is this a bar? I don’t drink!”

Lapis placed an index finger over Peridot’s lips to stop the rush of indignation beginning to spew from her mouth, “I thought I told you to lighten up! Just trust me.”

Peridot frowned, but relented. After all, it couldn’t be as bad as her last birthday. She still has the scars. They haven’t been allowed back to Red Lobster since.  She supposed she could handle one night out with Lapis Lazuli.

Peridot’s inner monologue came to a screeching halt as they approached the door and she caught a glimpse of the inside.

“A STRIP CLUB?! YOU TOOK ME TO A STRIP CLUB?!” she screeched, voice cracking.

“Peridot, it’s about time you became a woman”.

“I. What? NO! LAPIS!”

Lapis presented their IDs to the bouncer, a short, stocky gem whose cheeks were puffed up with restrained laughter and probably a good portion of the sandwich that was clutched in one of her purple hands.  

The two gems made their way through the smoky room, Lapis’s hand on Peridot’s back, urging her towards a small couch area surrounding a pole. Lapis pushed her into a sitting position and plopped herself next to Peridot, arms stretched across the top of the couch.

The yellow gem on stage, a topaz probably, winked at the two. Lapis waggled her eyebrows and Peridot’s face flushed.

Lapis leaned in to make herself heard above the volume of the music, “So how about I buy you a lap dance?”

Peridot frowned further, “I don’t want a lap dance! I’m not like that!“

“How about that girl’s number then? You do need to get laid.”

Peridot’s head turned around to look towards the direction her friend was pointing, where a primly dressed woman with pink hair was straightening the bottles of liquor behind the bar.

Peridot’s cheeks colored quickly as she whipped her head back to stare incredulously at her, “Stars, Lapis, NO. I’m missing a raid and-“

Lapis rolled her eyes, “C’mon Peridork, you never get out of the house. At least let me buy you a drink.”

A shaky sigh escaped the green gem. “Okay,” she relented. “One drink.”

Lapis’s face lightened and she waved the waitress over, a tall gem with an unreadable expression and a trendy pair of shades. Peridot found herself wondering how the gem could see in such a dark establishment with her choice in eyewear, missing Lapis’s conversation with the waitress entirely.

She was shaken from her thoughts by the sight of the waitress returning, tray full of drinks balanced on a gigantic gauntlet. Lapis took her own drink, a Dark and Stormy, and took a long sip while handing Peridot her own glass. Peridot took it skeptically, “What’s this?”

Lapis grinned, eyes filled with mirth, “I told the waitress it was your birthday and had her tell the bartender to mix you something special.”

Peridot shot Lapis a look of betrayal, eyes darting back to the bar, where the bartender gave a small wave and a shy smile.

Peridot took a large gulp of her drink and sent a shaky wave back at the bartender before turning back towards the stage, face bright green.  “I can’t believe you did that,” she mumbled to the gem sitting next to her. “No wait I actually can believe you did that. It’s got Lapis Lazuli written all over it.”  

Peridot sank further into the couch as Lapis chuckled at her, ruffling her puffy yellow hair fondly, “Just be glad you’ve got such an awesome wingwoman.”

Suddenly the music changed from a low, slow beat to a faster thumping bass as the yellow gem that was working the pole exited the stage.

Lapis straightened up on the couch as a tall, buff orange gem sauntered onto the small stage before them. The gem was wearing a corset with a low, revealing neckline, and as she gripped the pole, her muscles rippled and gleamed. Lapis’s eyes roamed the figure before her, eyes lingering on the fishnet stockings starting at her mid thigh. The stripper hooked a leg over the pole and slowly rotated around it, eyes not leaving Lapis, whose face was now flushed.

Lapis jabbed her friend with her elbow, “Not bad eh, Peridork? I’m gonna have a piece of that beefcake tonight.”  She leaned forward and stuffed a few ones in the stripper’s g-string with a wink.

The stripper’s grin was feral as she pounced off the stage. Her body moved to the thumping of the bass as she moved towards the two gems on the couch. Peridot’s face grew panicked as she looked frantically back and forth between Lapis and the stripper. “Lapis! Lapis, I said I didn’t want a lap dance,” she hissed to her friend.

Lapis waggled her eyebrows at the approaching woman, who tossed her long white mane behind her shoulder and stalked towards Lapis, “Shhhh nerd, this one’s for me.”

The stripper was now gyrating her ample behind against Lapis, whose grin grew impossibly large. Lapis was mesmerized, subconsciously reaching out her hand to touch the other woman, as she slowly rotated to face her. The stripper swatted Lapis’s hand away with a growl, “You don’t move.” Lapis nodded dumbly, mind racing. She had to know who this woman was.

The stripper straddled Lapis on the couch, one massive thigh on each side of the smaller gem, her body undulating to the beat. Lapis couldn’t help but devour the orange gem’s body with her eyes.

“You must get a lot of practice…” Lapis murmured, her voice caught in her throat.

Their eyes met and the stripper snarled, “Practice is just a cheap tactic to make weak dancers stronger. This is all pure talent.”

Lapis glanced towards Peridot, whom she had nearly forgotten. The green gem’s glasses were fogged up, her fingers tapping furiously away at her Gameboy as she tried to ignore the increasingly intimate situation her friend was in. Lapis knew she should be paying more attention to her on her birthday, but she couldn’t help herself. This stripper was MASSIVE. How could Peridot expect her to turn away from such a specimen?

Lapis reached into the pocket of her cutoff shorts, pulling out a wad of cash that she tucked into the top of the stripper’s corset, “How about a more private dance?”

The stripper looked at her hungrily, “I’m Jasper. Room 3. Now.”

Lapis allowed herself to be pulled towards the back of the club by Jasper, all the while winking at Peridot back on the couch. She cupped a hand around her mouth and hollered, “I’ll be back later, Peri! Or maybe not!”

Peridot sank back into the couch miserably. She stared into the bottom of her near empty drink, her third if she was counting correctly. She wasn’t quite sure when her drink had gotten refilled. The stoic waitress must have anticipated her need for continued intoxication. Peridot made a quick glance towards the bar. Maybe Lapis was right, she did need to get out more. All she needed was a little more liquid courage. She knocked back the rest of the glass, alcohol burning down her throat. Her head buzzed as she made her way towards the bar and slumped down onto one of the stools before signaling the bartender with one of her floating fingers.

The bartender gracefully floated over from the end of the bar and stood before Peridot. “What can I get you?” she inquired softly.

Peridot smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck, “It’s my birthday and my best friend just ditched me for a buff private dancer…”

The bartender met her smile shyly, “I think I’ve got just the thing.”  She busied herself for a few moments before gently placing a colorful looking drink before Peridot. Peridot caught just a hint of a blush forming on the bartenders cheeks as she quickly turned around to straighten the already neat bottles on the back of the bar. Peridot glanced down confusedly at the drink and there on the napkin was ten digits and a name scrawled in looping cursive,  _Pearl._  Peridot’s head shot up to stare dumbfoundedly at the bartender, who continued to purposefully avoid looking in her direction. The cute bartender had given her her number! Maybe this birthday wasn’t so bad after all.

_MEANWHILE…_

Lapis flopped back onto the bed to lay next to her new paramour, covered in sweat and grinning like she’d won a million dollars. Jasper propped herself up on one arm, lying on her side, tracing a large finger down Lapis’s stomach.

“We’re Malachite now baby.”


End file.
